Robin, Camila's mom

Fill Your Heart with Love

Everyone develops coping mechanisms, things they do to help them get through the days and the long hours of the night. When I began trying to make myself feel better, for lack of a better term, I decided to let love make me feel better.

One thing that changes after you lose a child is that you are no longer able to wrap your arms around them, no longer able to see them, touch them, or hold them. This is hard. I was a cuddler and, lucky for me, Camila would tolerate my desire to hold her, even into her young adult years. But I can’t hold her any more – and sometimes I really need to.

I have learned that the best way for me to re-connect to the love I had for Camila is to deliberately re-visit the feeling, that sometimes flooded sense, of loving her. I will do this deliberately, specifically, either by looking at a picture of her or by looking at a grouping of pictures. Sometimes I just immerse myself in one of the pictures of her that I keep on my phone. When I do this, I sometimes imagine I actually feel the mother-child pheromones releasing, creating a calm, relaxed feeling.

I fill my heart with love.

Now, no matter where I am, I feel I can connect to Camila through love. I am not touching her, but I am being touched by my love for her. And I am comforted.

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